Is there a better way I could be answering questions?
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Recently I’ve been playing around with this idea and looking for more helpful ways to respond to questions from those around me. In keeping with this year’s intention, I’d like to foster intimate learning experiences vs pass along advice and facts. I would like to create the space for mutual learning an understanding vs prioritize the accumulation of knowledge.
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An interesting thing I’ve been trying is not answering questions at all. The intention here is not to ignore or avoid, but instead I hope to postpone assumptions. I tend to assume I fully understand what people are asking. I often assume I have the most complete picture of the way things work (#ego). This is especially true when it comes to my children. And I almost ALWAYS assume the truth as I see it is what is most important for people to receive from me. (Hint: unlikely)
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The thing with intimacy, though is is it requires BOTH parties to disarm. For me to create the interaction I desire in relation to learning, I HAVE to let go of those assumptions.
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So what does this look like in practice? When my kids ask me a question, I don’t give them (or myself tbh) the instant gratification of an answer. Instead, I wonder with them. I open up space to play with possibility. I give them a chance to imagine many answers. We practice the process of learning together.
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Many times, I learn the most—mostly about the way they think and see the world. “How are rainbows made?” I wonder. How do you think they are? “Maybe magic.” They do seem magical. Let’s see. What do you know about them already? (No need to correct or say something in their imagination is not real. That’s mostly for my own ego.) “They come out in the sky.” I’ve seen that too. Not all the time, though. “Yeah. Only after it rains.” Hmm. “Maybe it has to be wet.”
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You can see the dynamic is different. This model is not establishing myself as an authority (a difficult thing for me to do). It also gives insight into the process of discovery (read more below).
It allows us to practice the hard work of thinking through problems. It also requires a lot of patience and is proving to be extremely difficult for me. What I love most, though, and why I believe this to be worthwhile, is much like the use of story as a tool for learning and meaning-making, all parties create ownership of the truth that is discovered. We know that creating ownership over the process itself I extremely valuable for continuous and more challenging growth. Observationally I see the information sticks better, the learning happens in more complete ways, and my kiddos have increased confidence in their own capabilities. Plus they aren’t as lazy in their thinking to be 💯. I look forward to finding ways to apply this to other areas of life, but I can already see it changing the ways I communicate with and understand those around me (and myself). ____________________
Turns out truth is still important, but how you arrive there matters just as much.