Forgiveness.
Yesterday my best efforts at productivity fell perpetually short. I found my forehead pressed into my warm palms after a deep audible sigh on more than one occasion. In an attempt to make my work even harder for myself, I decided to stay up late writing about it. I didn’t get the amount of sleep I wanted to before an incredibly busy week. Instead of winding down, listening to a calming meditation with lemon and lavender floating around the air, I was here, staring at my blindingly blue screen, writing this.
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My choices in that moment, though, reminded me that I’m operating at my edge. That feels good. I like it.
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Historically I have struggled to parent and nourish myself in ways that support my basic needs—especially during times of stress. Currently my plate is nearly overflowing with fulfilling work. Not too long ago, I would need to run away, or take huge amounts of rest in order to find my center, but I am learning to connect to peace while continuing to move forward (or sideways). I am discovering what to trim (negative self-talk, comparison) and what to allow.
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Still, my old pattern is showing up. I think I’ve outgrown it, but I expand outwards, stretch myself thin and again it becomes clearly visible.
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Sometimes I hate this. Why do I keep messing up the same shit over and over again? Why is it always the same issue?
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But it’s a gift. I know when I begin choosing distraction over fulfilling my basic needs or struggling with consistency, I’m at capacity—exactly where I need to be. Stay here a while and get better.
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It’s time to play in this unknown and look for the root of resistance. I used to think it was a lack of will, but lately I have almost always found something to forgive. Forgiveness plays an uncomfortably big role in how we spend our time and treat ourselves. It is the road to love. One of those roads you start driving on and halfway through it has another name. Do I need to forgive my parents for something? My partner? Most likely, I need to forgive myself. For choosing every other task but the ones I truly need. For listening to the voice of others over the voice of God inside me. For playing small. For not believing I’m worthy of care and nourishment, commitment and consistency, or discipline and time.
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I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.